My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
