is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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