id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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