my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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