My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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