Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
