It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
