My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
