I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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