How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
