so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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