You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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