I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
