OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
