Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
