it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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