All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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