Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
