i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
