So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
