Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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