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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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