Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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