i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
