the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
