Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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