I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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