y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
