i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
