Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
