Just fell off a train. Bad.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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