this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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