those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
