Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
