she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
