Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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