you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
