Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
