Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
