It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
