If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
vagina is talking i cant
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
