I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
