he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
