I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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