I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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