it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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