I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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