bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
