and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
