I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
