Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
