I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
