I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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