I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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