My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
