Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
