the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
