I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
