the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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