Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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