the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
