Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
