I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
