if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want nice things and good sex
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
